What I Did So Far Today.

Hey there. I have to write quickly, as this laptop I'm using belongs to an old one-armed man who fell asleep on a bench outside of Subway. I was just in the middle of stealing his identity when I realized I could use this opportunity to update my web log.

Whoa, cool...this guy's an organ donor. That could come in handy when I need to replace all my organs, like Fidel Castro did. (Believe me; it's true!)

Anyway, I walked into Circuit City today, and I was like "Shit, I can buy TV shows on DVD!" So I binged a bit and bought every season of Seinfeld 4 times. The cashier, who was like Indian or Russian or something, asked me if I knew what a shower was, and I had to threaten to kill his children to protect my honor. The little bitch didn't even notice I paid him in Brazilian réis and monopoly money.

Hmm...membership to Costco, eh? Now it's mine. Going through wallets is fun.

I met up with my pal Frenchie, who was baked on something I guess, cuz he kept looking through all the trashcans we passed trying to find Oscar the Grouch. I'm not sure why, but he muttered something about a long-lost fountain pen. We didn't get to hang for too long cuz Frenchie lives with his grandmother...she died like three weeks ago or something, but he had to make sure she was doing alright in the freezer, plus he had to watch Sesame Street to find clues about Oscar's location.

Annnnnnd now I'm here. Just thought I'd update you a little. More to come soon, stay tuned. Sweet! This guy has like 6 credit cards.

How to Tell if Your Life is Worthless.

Here's a helpful list I've created. If 3 or more of these apply to you, your life is worthless. Ready or not, here it is:

Your name is an alliteration.

You are a "Wigger."

You listen to Fall Out Boy.

You know the theme to "Sailor Moon" by heart.

You have an unquenchable fetish for doorknobs.

Your favorite basketball player is a fictional blend of Lakers legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and the evil villain from "Aladdin," whose name is, justly, Kareem Abdul-Jafar. You hope that someday in the future scientists will be able to generate him.

You thought Spider-Man 3 was awesome.

You believe in the 9/11 conspiracy theory.

You are a man, you wear capris, and you're damn proud of it.

You pronounce Rammstein "Ramsteen."

You watch "That 70's Show" just because you like hearing Red Foreman talk about sticking his feet in people's asses.

You list "Origami" as one of your interests on your Facebook, and it's the only thing you list.

Decant! Yes, You Can.

Comic here.

And here.


Now, go to www.truthforyouth.com and read all the comics there. They're awesomely funny. My favorite is probably the "Homosexuality" one.

Correctomundo, Raymundo

You know that show "Rocket Power" from back before Nick went down the drain? Yeah, it ruled. That kid Sam was a shoobie and his complexion was as disgustingly white as cottage cheese. I bet the giant "N" on his shirt stood for n00b. And I wish Tito was my dad; he's basically like the most awesome Hawaiian ever. Also, that little girl MacKenzie or whatever her name was was a whiney biatch. Anyway, the coolest person on the show by far was that guy who'd show up randomly like every 4 or 5 episodes who had a top hat and the only thing he'd ever say was "That's the spirit!"

That guy made my day, every day.

Here's a comic for you.

Quick History Lesson

Between 1836 and 1838, before he was a world-famous, pimptastic, kick-ass poet, Walt Whitman was a public school teacher. During those few years, he probably looked something like this.


Ok, you can resume being bored now.

Handome Dan is a Poet.

There once was a man frome Zaire,
Who fell asleep drinking a beer;
He awoke with a fright,
In the dark of the night,
And found he had mounted a deer.


True story. It happened to my friend Ralph once. He can't watch the Discovery Channel anymore; it brings back painful memories that he can't deal with.


Comix:

Another true story.

I was in a strange mood when I drew this.

Vegeta Eats Fajitas

New Comics.

Offensive Slang.

Somebody get this couple on Jerry Springer.


...You know, the title of this post sounds even funnier if you pronounce "Fajitas" phonetically.