To All Those Who are Whining About Michael Vick:

Cry me a fucking river.

Yeah, he participated in dogfighting, and probably bet on it too, but who cares? Plenty of people do it, and you know what? None of them get this kind of press coverage. Enough already. Also, too many people go around whining and moaning, saying stuff like "Oh, those poor defenseless dogs blah blah he's such a bad man blah blah I'm a bitch blah blah blah let's bring back slavery." It really grinds my gears...please, all you people who whine about Michael Vick: Do us all a favor and shut. Yo'. Mouf. If your next door neighbor Walter who borrowed your spatula last October and never returned it was convicted of dogfighting, I highly doubt you'd be walking around, blabbing your giant mouth complaining about it all day. Seriously. I'm tired of hearing people whine about it. Get a grip.

~

You want to know who the real criminal is? DMX.

~

Why? His name sounds way too much like BMX.

~

Oh yeah, and he starved all those dogs too.

Breaking News! This Just In!

I have in my possession a picture of the elusive, famous entity known as the "Poe Toaster." I've decided to put it on the Internet for all to see.



The see it, click here.

Politicians Are Funny-Looking.

It's true.

Nice one, Chief Justice Roberts. The last time I made a face like that I was taking a dump. Here's a tip: Stop looking constipated and go back to whining about how much you hate abortion and how you plan to slowly help the Bush administration destroy our civil liberties.

Well, well, well. My theory was correct. The Grinch didn't steal Christmas; it was Rick Santorum. If this isn't an evil grin, I don't know what the hell is.

"Oh snap. The American public is slowly coming to the realization that I caused 9/11."

I could seriously make a quilt out of all the photos I found portraying Dick Cheney in the middle of one of his trademark sneers, but this one had a certain loveliness to it that I just couldn't ignore...Besides, who'd want a quilt made out of pictures of Dick Cheney sneering?

Watch out; Hillary Clinton just might eat you.

Aww, just look at that face. "Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have eaten that last cookie." Or even possibly "Sorry, guys. We gotta end the game. Al just called and told me golf causes global warming."

This may be photoshopped, but this post just wouldn't be complete without a picture of George W. ingesting a kitten.


In the life of John Kerry:
Campaign advertisements- Millions of dollars.
Travel fees- Hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Paying the campaign advisors- Tens of thousands of dollars.
Picture taken of you while you try to catch a football- Priceless.

New Cingular Plan, guys!

See the ad here.

Oh, that crazy Michael Richards...what will he do next?

...Most likely, not be in any more movies, tv shows, stand-up comedy acts, or entertainment in general.

What You Never Knew About Old Men.

Let me tell you about an interesting phenomenon. If you Google Image Search the phrase "old man," much of what you get is either photographs of elderly vagabonds such as the man pictured above, or porn. This raises a very interesting issue: It obviously means that all old men are either homeless or involved with the porn industry.

Think about it. Imagine that you're 75 years old. Long retired, yet out of money, since your generation considered saving money for the future "uncool." You have two choices: You can either take the initiative and find a job for yourself with nice pay (and even nicer benefits), or give up and beg for money on the street. For those who decide to go back into the working world and earn money while they still can, the easiest choice is porn. You can meet lots of friendly young people, recieve lots of attention, plus you dont even need clothes! However, for those who give up, the road ahead is tough. You have to compete with all the other hobos on the block for the good picnic tables to sleep under, and barely anyone gives you money because they assume you must be using it to buy alcohol or bet on dog fighting. In addition, there's rookie hobo initiation, which involves donating a few of your teeth to the Grandmaster Ragamuffin (the hobos' version of God) to ensure he doesn't consume your soul. The reason why you don't see very many woman hobos is because the initiation process also involves a sperm donation.

So, in conclusion, if you think your granddaddy is merely a kind, respectable old gentleman, think again! I mean, everyone has a secret life these days, thanks to the internet. Also, be wary of looking through his old photo albums marked "Private Portfolio" or "Property of Lance Futtbuck*."

Also, the other day I was walking down the street searching for roadkill that was fresh enough that I could sell it to a butcher shop claiming it was veal, when I noticed a sign. It said "End Road Work." It seemed odd to me that such a sign would be left on the side of the road...why had it been forgotten and abandoned there? Was there some sort of protest to end road work, and the sign had been just left at the location of the rally, as a reminder to those who drive by? Was it left there by a single protester to send the message to the people working on the road? This has been perplexing me for days.


*Interchangable with any pornstar-sounding name.

Hey! Hey! You! You! I Don't Like Your Music!

I hate Avril Lavigne. I hate her with every fiber of my being. Every thought within the vast recesses of my mind screams for her annihilation. "Why the slight grudge?" you may ask. Why I'd like to see her battered ruthlessly with a rusty hammer and strangled with binder's twine soaked in phosphoric acid is very simple:

Number 1: She writes shitty music.

Number 2: It's catchy.

This combination is deadly. It's like mixing crazy glue with animal feces before you hurl it at someone's face. Her music gets stuck inside your skull, like an overly-friendly earwig, and bores its way deep enough into your brain to nearly drive you insane. That's probably the main reason I would find it enjoyable to force-feed her broken glass and use a monkey wrench to remove her eyes. I won't be satisfied with my life until her vocal cords are hanging from a chain around my neck, so I can wear them like a trophy. I can't tell you how irritating it is to be minding my own business, when I unexpectedly realize one of her songs is blasting inside my head for no reason at all. I'll be eating breakfast and suddenly I'm thinking: "She's like, so whatever, you could do so much bet-AAARRRRGHHH!" It catches you offguard, too...that she-wolf-demon.

But you can't blame her all that much...I mean, she is Canadian. And what have Canadians contributed to music these days? Celine Dion, Simple Plan, Paul Shaffer, and Avril "I-produce-terrible-mind-destroying-music" Lavigne. That's all I can think of, and it's not much. Nothing against Canadians. I just wish they'd stop making music. And hook me up with some maple syrup.

Wikipedia Still Hasn't Blocked Me. Score.

Wow. I haven't updated in a while. Sorry about that. It's hard when the Coast Guard keeps whining at you to stop trying to harpoon members of their crew. They're so bitchy sometimes. Anyway, here are some Wikipedia articles I've vandali...um...edited. Yeah. Edited. Here:

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What I Did So Far Today.

Hey there. I have to write quickly, as this laptop I'm using belongs to an old one-armed man who fell asleep on a bench outside of Subway. I was just in the middle of stealing his identity when I realized I could use this opportunity to update my web log.

Whoa, cool...this guy's an organ donor. That could come in handy when I need to replace all my organs, like Fidel Castro did. (Believe me; it's true!)

Anyway, I walked into Circuit City today, and I was like "Shit, I can buy TV shows on DVD!" So I binged a bit and bought every season of Seinfeld 4 times. The cashier, who was like Indian or Russian or something, asked me if I knew what a shower was, and I had to threaten to kill his children to protect my honor. The little bitch didn't even notice I paid him in Brazilian réis and monopoly money.

Hmm...membership to Costco, eh? Now it's mine. Going through wallets is fun.

I met up with my pal Frenchie, who was baked on something I guess, cuz he kept looking through all the trashcans we passed trying to find Oscar the Grouch. I'm not sure why, but he muttered something about a long-lost fountain pen. We didn't get to hang for too long cuz Frenchie lives with his grandmother...she died like three weeks ago or something, but he had to make sure she was doing alright in the freezer, plus he had to watch Sesame Street to find clues about Oscar's location.

Annnnnnd now I'm here. Just thought I'd update you a little. More to come soon, stay tuned. Sweet! This guy has like 6 credit cards.

How to Tell if Your Life is Worthless.

Here's a helpful list I've created. If 3 or more of these apply to you, your life is worthless. Ready or not, here it is:

Your name is an alliteration.

You are a "Wigger."

You listen to Fall Out Boy.

You know the theme to "Sailor Moon" by heart.

You have an unquenchable fetish for doorknobs.

Your favorite basketball player is a fictional blend of Lakers legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and the evil villain from "Aladdin," whose name is, justly, Kareem Abdul-Jafar. You hope that someday in the future scientists will be able to generate him.

You thought Spider-Man 3 was awesome.

You believe in the 9/11 conspiracy theory.

You are a man, you wear capris, and you're damn proud of it.

You pronounce Rammstein "Ramsteen."

You watch "That 70's Show" just because you like hearing Red Foreman talk about sticking his feet in people's asses.

You list "Origami" as one of your interests on your Facebook, and it's the only thing you list.

Decant! Yes, You Can.

Comic here.

And here.


Now, go to www.truthforyouth.com and read all the comics there. They're awesomely funny. My favorite is probably the "Homosexuality" one.

Correctomundo, Raymundo

You know that show "Rocket Power" from back before Nick went down the drain? Yeah, it ruled. That kid Sam was a shoobie and his complexion was as disgustingly white as cottage cheese. I bet the giant "N" on his shirt stood for n00b. And I wish Tito was my dad; he's basically like the most awesome Hawaiian ever. Also, that little girl MacKenzie or whatever her name was was a whiney biatch. Anyway, the coolest person on the show by far was that guy who'd show up randomly like every 4 or 5 episodes who had a top hat and the only thing he'd ever say was "That's the spirit!"

That guy made my day, every day.

Here's a comic for you.

Quick History Lesson

Between 1836 and 1838, before he was a world-famous, pimptastic, kick-ass poet, Walt Whitman was a public school teacher. During those few years, he probably looked something like this.


Ok, you can resume being bored now.

Handome Dan is a Poet.

There once was a man frome Zaire,
Who fell asleep drinking a beer;
He awoke with a fright,
In the dark of the night,
And found he had mounted a deer.


True story. It happened to my friend Ralph once. He can't watch the Discovery Channel anymore; it brings back painful memories that he can't deal with.


Comix:

Another true story.

I was in a strange mood when I drew this.

Vegeta Eats Fajitas

New Comics.

Offensive Slang.

Somebody get this couple on Jerry Springer.


...You know, the title of this post sounds even funnier if you pronounce "Fajitas" phonetically.

You Can't Spell "Woodrow" without "Wood"...

...Well, I suppose you could, but it'd probably look somthing like "Wuudrow" or "Waoudrow" and if you spell it like that, people will think you have a mental handicap...which can lead to benefits such as free food and people not judging you for doing retarded stuff. Like accidentally lighting nurseries on fire or forgetting to give your neighbor's dog his heart medication while he's on vacation. Not that I've ever done anything like that myself. But anway, I wouldn't personally advise it, since pretending to be mentally challenged is sort of looked down upon in our American society.


...I hate America.

Comic!


(Oh, and by the way Chewy, you had it coming.)

The Story of My Life.

Read it here.

Guess What.

Ok, so I saw "Pirates" #3 today. The best/most interesting parts of the movie:

3. Fish-Person Johnny Depp licking his own brain. (I wish I could do that sometimes.)

2. The 10-year-old kid getting hanged at the beginning. (I almost had to remind myself that it was a Disney movie at this point. That's always a plus.)

1. Johnny Depp calling Orlando Bloom a tool. (I've been saying it for quite some time now, and I'm glad the message could be projected on a larger scale.)


By the way, I have some new comics:

A loving father.

The bowtie doesn't help, Greg.

A Hippy and a Slightly Depressing Encounter

Groovy, man.


If you seek an uplifting addition to your day, don't click here. If you want something uplifting, I suggest you invest your time in watching any movie with Scarlett Johansson in it. Except for the fact that doing so only"uplifts" one part of your body.

The First President, as well as a Friendly Discussion About Gay Marriage

The secret side of the father of America: here.

A conversation between friends: here.

Regarding a Senile Old Man and the Geographically Challenged

The former.

The latter.

Why Hasn't Wikipedia Blocked Me Yet?

That is a question I ask myself fairly frequently.

Would you like to know why?

Take a look:
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Allen Dislikes Puns

This was a big hit at the lunch table.