To All Those Who are Whining About Michael Vick:

Cry me a fucking river.

Yeah, he participated in dogfighting, and probably bet on it too, but who cares? Plenty of people do it, and you know what? None of them get this kind of press coverage. Enough already. Also, too many people go around whining and moaning, saying stuff like "Oh, those poor defenseless dogs blah blah he's such a bad man blah blah I'm a bitch blah blah blah let's bring back slavery." It really grinds my gears...please, all you people who whine about Michael Vick: Do us all a favor and shut. Yo'. Mouf. If your next door neighbor Walter who borrowed your spatula last October and never returned it was convicted of dogfighting, I highly doubt you'd be walking around, blabbing your giant mouth complaining about it all day. Seriously. I'm tired of hearing people whine about it. Get a grip.

~

You want to know who the real criminal is? DMX.

~

Why? His name sounds way too much like BMX.

~

Oh yeah, and he starved all those dogs too.

Breaking News! This Just In!

I have in my possession a picture of the elusive, famous entity known as the "Poe Toaster." I've decided to put it on the Internet for all to see.



The see it, click here.

Politicians Are Funny-Looking.

It's true.

Nice one, Chief Justice Roberts. The last time I made a face like that I was taking a dump. Here's a tip: Stop looking constipated and go back to whining about how much you hate abortion and how you plan to slowly help the Bush administration destroy our civil liberties.

Well, well, well. My theory was correct. The Grinch didn't steal Christmas; it was Rick Santorum. If this isn't an evil grin, I don't know what the hell is.

"Oh snap. The American public is slowly coming to the realization that I caused 9/11."

I could seriously make a quilt out of all the photos I found portraying Dick Cheney in the middle of one of his trademark sneers, but this one had a certain loveliness to it that I just couldn't ignore...Besides, who'd want a quilt made out of pictures of Dick Cheney sneering?

Watch out; Hillary Clinton just might eat you.

Aww, just look at that face. "Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have eaten that last cookie." Or even possibly "Sorry, guys. We gotta end the game. Al just called and told me golf causes global warming."

This may be photoshopped, but this post just wouldn't be complete without a picture of George W. ingesting a kitten.


In the life of John Kerry:
Campaign advertisements- Millions of dollars.
Travel fees- Hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Paying the campaign advisors- Tens of thousands of dollars.
Picture taken of you while you try to catch a football- Priceless.

New Cingular Plan, guys!

See the ad here.

Oh, that crazy Michael Richards...what will he do next?

...Most likely, not be in any more movies, tv shows, stand-up comedy acts, or entertainment in general.

What You Never Knew About Old Men.

Let me tell you about an interesting phenomenon. If you Google Image Search the phrase "old man," much of what you get is either photographs of elderly vagabonds such as the man pictured above, or porn. This raises a very interesting issue: It obviously means that all old men are either homeless or involved with the porn industry.

Think about it. Imagine that you're 75 years old. Long retired, yet out of money, since your generation considered saving money for the future "uncool." You have two choices: You can either take the initiative and find a job for yourself with nice pay (and even nicer benefits), or give up and beg for money on the street. For those who decide to go back into the working world and earn money while they still can, the easiest choice is porn. You can meet lots of friendly young people, recieve lots of attention, plus you dont even need clothes! However, for those who give up, the road ahead is tough. You have to compete with all the other hobos on the block for the good picnic tables to sleep under, and barely anyone gives you money because they assume you must be using it to buy alcohol or bet on dog fighting. In addition, there's rookie hobo initiation, which involves donating a few of your teeth to the Grandmaster Ragamuffin (the hobos' version of God) to ensure he doesn't consume your soul. The reason why you don't see very many woman hobos is because the initiation process also involves a sperm donation.

So, in conclusion, if you think your granddaddy is merely a kind, respectable old gentleman, think again! I mean, everyone has a secret life these days, thanks to the internet. Also, be wary of looking through his old photo albums marked "Private Portfolio" or "Property of Lance Futtbuck*."

Also, the other day I was walking down the street searching for roadkill that was fresh enough that I could sell it to a butcher shop claiming it was veal, when I noticed a sign. It said "End Road Work." It seemed odd to me that such a sign would be left on the side of the road...why had it been forgotten and abandoned there? Was there some sort of protest to end road work, and the sign had been just left at the location of the rally, as a reminder to those who drive by? Was it left there by a single protester to send the message to the people working on the road? This has been perplexing me for days.


*Interchangable with any pornstar-sounding name.

Hey! Hey! You! You! I Don't Like Your Music!

I hate Avril Lavigne. I hate her with every fiber of my being. Every thought within the vast recesses of my mind screams for her annihilation. "Why the slight grudge?" you may ask. Why I'd like to see her battered ruthlessly with a rusty hammer and strangled with binder's twine soaked in phosphoric acid is very simple:

Number 1: She writes shitty music.

Number 2: It's catchy.

This combination is deadly. It's like mixing crazy glue with animal feces before you hurl it at someone's face. Her music gets stuck inside your skull, like an overly-friendly earwig, and bores its way deep enough into your brain to nearly drive you insane. That's probably the main reason I would find it enjoyable to force-feed her broken glass and use a monkey wrench to remove her eyes. I won't be satisfied with my life until her vocal cords are hanging from a chain around my neck, so I can wear them like a trophy. I can't tell you how irritating it is to be minding my own business, when I unexpectedly realize one of her songs is blasting inside my head for no reason at all. I'll be eating breakfast and suddenly I'm thinking: "She's like, so whatever, you could do so much bet-AAARRRRGHHH!" It catches you offguard, too...that she-wolf-demon.

But you can't blame her all that much...I mean, she is Canadian. And what have Canadians contributed to music these days? Celine Dion, Simple Plan, Paul Shaffer, and Avril "I-produce-terrible-mind-destroying-music" Lavigne. That's all I can think of, and it's not much. Nothing against Canadians. I just wish they'd stop making music. And hook me up with some maple syrup.

Wikipedia Still Hasn't Blocked Me. Score.

Wow. I haven't updated in a while. Sorry about that. It's hard when the Coast Guard keeps whining at you to stop trying to harpoon members of their crew. They're so bitchy sometimes. Anyway, here are some Wikipedia articles I've vandali...um...edited. Yeah. Edited. Here:

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